if none would listen, then i'll try to write

Before I was even ready to place my order, the coffee shop guy guessed my favorite beverage correctly already. As I stood there surprised, he delivered an overwhelmingly warm smile. Little did I know, the sweet sweet event would later send me to some sleepless, endless nights.

So, what happened?
As you may have guessed, I got this funny feeling in my gut. However, it felt ridiculous and misplaced, because, well, he was just doing what he's supposed to be doing. It felt wrong, because he has every opportunity to remember what a regular customer with regular order wants even before she reached the check out counter. There is no place for funny feelings in this scene.

But still, a delicate soul like mine felt loved and noticed and taken care of.. in a way.

After spending a good amount of laughter with my friends, I went home at quarter to midnight. It was chilly because it has been raining all day. I kept thinking about the guy. I really wanted to just call it a day, but in a situation like this, you'll be surprised how incredibly fast feelings creeping up into your soul.

And here's where things got gloomy.
As I reached my bed, I realized I had been feeling sad and scared all the way from the coffee shop. As much as your confusion reading this, trust me it's more complicated in my head at the moment. My thoughts were so noisy I couldn't hear any explanation coming from my logic.

Finally, in cold eerie hours, I came to the realization that being scared opening up for a new love is a real story.

It's not about falling in love with the coffee shop guy.
It's about how a tiny amount of love like that scared the hell out of me.
It's about me sensing this very familiar scent of happiness that might leads to another broken heart and misery.

Have you ever disliked someone for being luckier or more successful than you?
Yes, I have. Honestly, I do it quite often, consciously and unconsciously. I always think it is the source of all my lack of self-confidence, my self-hatred. But it's not like I dislike them for being born-rich, or beautiful, or ridiculously smart. Most of the time I envy them who are so damn good at socializing, without first thinking, 'What should I say?', 'How can I impress them?', 'Do I look good?', 'Do I smell nice?', 'Have I learned this topic? Will I be able to blend in the conversation?'

The best questions are the ones you can't Google. Here is a whole book of them.

-Austin Kleon, author of Steal Like an Artist. 

selama hidupku yang beberapa hari lagi mencapai usianya yang ke-20, hanya ada dua saat ketika aku menangis di depan makananku.

pertama, saat aku bertengkar hebat dengan adikku. ibu mendapatiku menangis dan ia langsung mencak-mencak. serentetan pemali dan nasihat yang masih dijaga oleh keturunan kampung kami meluncur deras dari bibirnya.

kedua, ketika nenekku meninggal. aku sedang menyantap nasi hangat dan tahu dan telur sambal kesukaanku saat ia menemukanku sendirian di meja makan. ia perlahan duduk di kursi di sampingku dan bercerita tentang nenek dan kakekku. suaranya tenang, namun dapat kulihat air mata. aku yang sudah mulai reda kesedihannya atas meninggalnya almarhumah, tidak dapat membendung kesedihan. aku yang kapok diceramahi soal menangis di depan makanan tidak punya upaya menahan air mata. aku yakin ibu tidak akan keberatan kali ini.

"di antara semua cucu nenekmu, kau yang paling disayang, nak. kalian begitu dekat. waktu kita masih di Jakarta, ketika sepupu-sepupumu berkunjung ke rumah kau akan mengamuk jika tidak diberikan perhatian lebih. "

"setelah kita pindah ke Makassar, nenek bahkan tidak pernah lagi tidur di kamarnya bersama kakek. ia tidur di kamar tempatmu dulu."

"ibu masih ingat hadiah terakhir yang dibawakan nenek untuk ibu. selusin sendok-sendok cantik dan sebilah pisau kecil yang paling tajam di dapur ibu."

"tidak ada lagi nenek yang berkunjung ke Makassar dua tahun sekali dan membawakan kalian bertiga limpahan baju baru."

Selamat jalan, Nek. Semoga amal dan ibadahmu diterima di sisi-Nya.

Paulo Coelho, in his book 'By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept' once said, "There are some things in life are worth fighting to the end."
How does an end look like?
Is it when we try our best and it's not working?
Is it like we can't find any light in an endless tunnel?
Is it when we're tired enough?
What if we're just tired?
What if we're just wasting time?
Life?
Love?

I need to know whether you're worthy enough, or not.

hey

wassap?

so i'm doing this script thingy, but my timeline is really a distracting bi**h. 

haha what happen?

i really can't NOT pretend his tweets are for meeeh

that sucks. well... what did he say? you know, when you told me that story this afternoon i feel so bad for him. why don't you just tweet : so he can't pretend like it's not for him too.

HEY YOU JUST CREATED THE GRETEST IDEA FOR THIS EPIC SAD LOVE STORY.. i hate him for that too.. well, so i tweeted "others are puzzles, puzzling me. i'll just focus on you". then his tweet showed up and i felt dizzy. check it by yourself, pls

heemm sorry to say, buddy, but i don't think  he's good for you if he doesn't respect you as a girl who's in love with him. you know what i mean? those other girls? there shouldn't be another girl if he knew there's someone who's waiting.

well, you know.. **** told me that *** **** told her that he like to make fun around.. thousand times i think and maybe hope that he's just trying to be nice with those girls.. i really can't help struggling everytime i remember the way he looked at me (don't you dare to laugh) and all the things happened all these years. things like.. everything he did and said where he possibly wont do if there's "nothing"

i know, i know, i totally understand. but you need to start to think about yourself too. i think you gave too much but take too little. you see? he could've end your struggle but he didn't. he left you struggling. alone. i don't know.. i just think that's just too.. heartless.