if none would listen, then i'll try to write

Sabtu, 27 Februari 2016

The Book Of Questions #1

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Have you ever disliked someone for being luckier or more successful than you?

Yes, I have. Honestly, I do it quite often, consciously and unconsciously. I always think it is the source of all my lack of self-confidence, my self-hatred. But it's not like I dislike them for being born-rich, or beautiful, or ridiculously smart. Most of the time I envy them who are so damn good at socializing, without first thinking, 'What should I say?', 'How can I impress them?', 'Do I look good?', 'Do I smell nice?', 'Have I learned this topic? Will I be able to blend in the conversation?'

I consider those type of people as lucky and have nearly 100%  chance to be more successful than me.

If you could place yourself anywhere on a scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is having security and comfort ad goals within easy reach, and 10 is taking risks, struggling, and reaching for great achievement, what would you like to be at, and why? Where are you now?
To be honest I am a person who worship comfort. I never say no to my lovely fellow; stay in bed in rainy days, covered in warm soft blanket, reading, binge watching, eat snacks like once in five minutes, or stay in an air-conditioned room in a hot sunny day. But between those times I really want to get up and just do something productive, even in most times it only happens in my head. But trust me, I have been on those situations where nothing goes right, doing everything I could to save my team, endless filming and editing, surprised by an ability that I'd never imagined I can do before (like interviewing people, public speaking and stuff). They were hard but fun times! 
I always wanted to comeback to those times, but unfortunately I am now in a very particular situation where I have to stay calm and focus to do one specific things. You know..

I'd say I want to be at 7 or 8, but I'm now in 5, perhaps.

Is there anything in your life too personal to discuss with others? If so, have you ever made the mistake of trying? What happened?
Religion. Faith. Belief. I somehow always feel this is something crucial to discuss about, even to your closest companion (Uztadz and extremely religious people might be another story). And yes, I once messed up trying to discuss-- no, more like debate-- this topic to someone I did not particularly recognize. By this I mean acquaintance. We ended up questioning each other's point of view, I guess.

Do you believe in God? If not, do you think you might nonetheless pray if you were in a life-threatening situation?
Yes, I do. It's just my humble opinion, but I think someone will naturally think of his God and ask for His help when he has none to rely on in that kind of situation.

Of all the people close to you, whose death would disturb you most?
It would be my Dad's death. My dad is one of the closest person in my life, yet sometimes he's too far away within my reach. We barely talk, but when we talk it's way deeper than any other talk I have with other people. I rarely see him around, he's too busy doing that being there. In his busiest weeks, I sometimes can only see him once in a week, only couple hours for him to take some rest and pack up his new clean clothes and then leave to another town. 
But don't get me wrong, I do not and will never ever hate him for being so. It's not the greatest feeling ever to write this, but I was never be with him too long in one time since the very first place. .and it's not something bad. He's always away from me since I was a kid. 
I adore so many things in my dad's life. Among them is his ability to make a good comeback, one best in his each. In the early years of my life, he worked in Palembang. He visited Jakarta several times a year, and he never missed bringing me home the most delicious Pempek in the whole universe. As a kid I was fascinated by the endless 'kuah habis, tambah. pempek habis, kuah masih sisa, tambah lagi'. It was the best definition of wealth. Even after we moved to Makassar up until now he's still the same busy guy, visiting different cities and countries, thousand hours up in the air and down on the road. And when he's home, he listens to good ol' music with his wife, watches cartoon with his little girls, oversleep with his favorite books on his face in his room.
Those qualities in him, which I will not experience again after his death, will disturb me like hell. Cause I know there will no any other comebacks.

Recently I decided to write more. I did not know since when but I rarely write no more. It all started when one time I looked at some of my old photos (like three to two years ago) and I realized I was a different person. My old me looks so happy, deep skin beauty. I don't know what I've been through to now, I just know that I'm less happy than I used to be. So... I decided to write. I know it wont automatically makes me happy again, but I hope to find some reflections, otherwise I could find out what's missed in my current self. Or constructing my future self. Or just simply paying more attention to things and people around me, which probably I don't pay much attention to. 

Besides, I can also practice my English writing he he. Those questions above are from The Book Of Questions by Gregory Stock. The book contains only questions, a very deceptively simple tool for self-discovery. 

The best questions are the ones you can't Google. Here is a whole book of them.
-Austin Kleon, author of Steal Like an Artist. 

Sabtu, 21 November 2015

tentang gagal nonton dan tanggung jawab

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That's one hella ugly title, I know.
Hari ini saya sedih sekali. Harusnya, pukul 7 malam tadi saya bisa nonton salah satu band kesukaan saya, Sajama Cut. Harusnya bisa bercengkrama dengan teman-teman kampus yang juga mampir. Harusnya bisa berbagi bahagia bersama penikmat musik yang, well, kemungkinan besar datang ke acara ultah mall itu hanya karna pengen nonton band keren ini manggung. Harusnya bisa menikmati malam minggu yang dingin, seperti kata Kak Abang.
Tapi, aku bisa apa?
Ada tanggung jawab yang tidak bisa ditinggalkan. Bukan sepenuhnya tanggung jawab sih, boleh dikata lebih mirip 'balas budi'. Atau 'nggak enakan'?
Orang ini butuh saya (dan seorang teman lagi). Di masa lalu, saya juga pernah butuh orang ini.
Aku bisa apa?
Cuma bisa meratapi nasib sambil dengar sealbum The Osaka Journal. Lewat hape doang.
Sama ngomel dalam hati setiap liat postingan temen soal meriahnya malam minggu mereka.
I really wish I was there.

Jumat, 30 Oktober 2015


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Here I am again, crying like a fool.

The problem is simple. I just wanted to say "How are you?". I just wanted to talk to you with all the affection that I have. With the softest voice. With the loving gaze. 

But I was haunted by all the guilt from the last two years. I might not hurt you physically, but as Murakami said, not all wounds gush blood. 

I didn't know what I was thinking. I didn't understand my behavior at all. I talked little and fast to you. I pretend like I was going somewhere every time I saw you coming. And the worst part is, I knew you know.

I... avoided your eyes.

Gosh, your eyes! They are so beautiful. They are dangerous. They pay attention to human interaction very carefully. They see souls. 

They see right through my soul.

People say there are two type of people who can't look at you in the eyes :
Someone trying to hide a lie,
and someone trying to hide a love.

It was never my intention to hurt you. I just fell for you too hard; I was afraid you'll find out.

Now, can we just sit and talk and talk and talk?

Selasa, 22 September 2015

not-so-pointless comeback post (or is it?)

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I wont start this post by saying such things like "sorry for not posting for a while" and stuff. Cuma saja, belakangan saya sering melihat beberapa teman dan senior share link blog mereka di sosmed. Ada apa ini?
Ternyata lagi ada writing challenge hehehe respon saya satu : OMG! I miss writing on my blog sooo muucchhh!
Nah, jadilah saya mencoba masuk ke akun blogger. Sempat panik karna lupa email yang saya pake untuk ngeblog (ini parah manteman), berhubung ini bukan email utama saya jadi jarang dipake hohow. Pas masuk, nemu banyak postingan Kak Pyonk di dashboard. seingat saya, Kak Pyonk ini yang paling sering nongol di dashboard.. setia ta di Kak :') Scroll scroll scroll.. saya tertarik sama postingan doi berjudul Answer It Honestly. As she said in the beginning of it, this is sooo much fun! Ku ngikut bikin ginian juga yaaa kak :D

OK, here it goes~

1. Name: Rahmawati
2. Height: 159cm
3. Weight: mmm.. terakhir 49 apa 50 ya? huahahaha prettt
4. Age: 21
5. Birthday: 2 Maret 1994 *tanggalnya samaan Chris Martin (Coldplay) doooongs :3
6. Girl BFF: I can't say I have one.. i think they come and go :)
7. Guy BFF: Mmm perhaps Sul and Uchu? they're the closest. do you find it weird that i got guy bff instead of girl?
8. Crush: EMMMMMMMM... cowok berkacamata yang kulihat pas Asean Mayors Forum kemarin hahahahahaha caught his eyes several times, and the last thing i remembered he stand right beside me, came out of nowhere. there is something thrilling, mind-bending in him. Yang saya tahu cuma satu; dia jurnalis, entah dr media mana :)
9. Ever Fall In Love: yup, nassami~
10. Favorite Food: mie pangsit!
11. Last text: Kak Fiki yang bertanya dimana itu Ruang Kreatif ._.
12. Battery Percentage: 29%
13. Eye Color: dark brown, i guess..
14. Addiction: anime, playing songs on 8tracks, scrolling on Instagram and Pinterest
15. Favorite song: this is hard :| currently i love Donovan - Catch The wind
16. Favorite Animal: dove
17. Favorite color: dark blue
18. Shoe Size: bisa 40.. bisa 40 1/2.. bisa 41.. tergantung jenis sepatunya *kaki gajah*
19. Sing in the shower: only when I had a good day and falling in love too hard.. can't stop singing and smiling and staring at my stupid facial expression in the mirror
20. One Wish: Make my family, especially my parents real proud of me. this is seriously a life goal.
21. Best time in ur life: when my dad said "do fly far far away from home to get something good in your life", right after i told him i passed the test for a student exchange program in Australia
22. Country you live in: Indonesia
23. Pets: dulu punya dua merpati putih.. tp semenjak hilang karna lupa tutup kandang, jadi trauma T^T
24. Plan on getting married: *uhuk* yup. perhaps when i'm 24/25? i need a lifetime partner to love, read books and watch anime together. *yg terakhir itu impian macam apa yak? -_-
25. Favorite Subject: English, Media and Communication, Sociology
26. First Kiss: bdedeh.. haram nak.. belum muhrim.. hahahaha
27. Insecure: mostly when i'm with somebody with overloading great talents. i automatically feel so small, even nothing.
28. Ever self-harmed: yup, loving someone for 3 years.. you know, unrequited love. *ouch* and wearing 7 inches heels all day in a formal event just to look good and classy :(
29. Who you love: God, family, friends, and that man with the nerdy look B)
30. Miss anyone: well...... i really want to meet 'that man' again. i was so stupid i didn't try to peek out his name on his name tag that day!! T^T
31. Hair Color: black
32. Relationship status: single ha ha ha 
33. Last song you heard: Say Lou Lou - Hard For A Man *it's sooo damn goooooddd
34. Biggest Fear: heights
35. Believe in ghost: yup, even I haven't met one *mitamiiitttt *ketok kayu
36. Something you hate: waiting, teman lupa teman pas dapat teman/pacar baru *ups* *sering banget kejadian hahahah :'D*
37. Favorite TV Show: i don't really watch TV
38. Favorite Movie: Every single movie that Tim Burton creates, We Need To Talk About Kevin, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
39. Favorite Book: The Help (Kathryn Stockett), Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom), Quiet (Susan Chain)
40. Favorite food: Mie Pangsit *sdh mi tadi ini -_-
41. Jealous of: social skills of extroverted folks, i guess.
42. Star sign: Pisces
43. Middle Name: i wish i had one.
44. Worst Habbit: forgetful, binge eating *huuuuuuupppttt
45. Number of siblings: 2
46. Name of siblings: Nur Amalia and Sausan Nurul Aisyah
47. Sports you play: CYCLING!!! woooh \m/
48. Talents: hiding feelings *eyaak baper lagi dah
49. Embarassing moment: duh banyak. and i remember every single one of them. and i sometimes think of them before bed. hah~
50. Future Career Choice: a professional TV producer, preferably in an international broadcasting company *keep on dreaming, girl! 

Thank you for reading this pointless post folks! Have a great day!

Jumat, 21 Februari 2014

ketika aku menangis di depan makananku

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selama hidupku yang beberapa hari lagi mencapai usianya yang ke-20, hanya ada dua saat ketika aku menangis di depan makananku.

pertama, saat aku bertengkar hebat dengan adikku. ibu mendapatiku menangis dan ia langsung mencak-mencak. serentetan pemali dan nasihat yang masih dijaga oleh keturunan kampung kami meluncur deras dari bibirnya.

kedua, ketika nenekku meninggal. aku sedang menyantap nasi hangat dan tahu dan telur sambal kesukaanku saat ia menemukanku sendirian di meja makan. ia perlahan duduk di kursi di sampingku dan bercerita tentang nenek dan kakekku. suaranya tenang, namun dapat kulihat air mata. aku yang sudah mulai reda kesedihannya atas meninggalnya almarhumah, tidak dapat membendung kesedihan. aku yang kapok diceramahi soal menangis di depan makanan tidak punya upaya menahan air mata. aku yakin ibu tidak akan keberatan kali ini.

"di antara semua cucu nenekmu, kau yang paling disayang, nak. kalian begitu dekat. waktu kita masih di Jakarta, ketika sepupu-sepupumu berkunjung ke rumah kau akan mengamuk jika tidak diberikan perhatian lebih. "
"setelah kita pindah ke Makassar, nenek bahkan tidak pernah lagi tidur di kamarnya bersama kakek. ia tidur di kamar tempatmu dulu."
"ibu masih ingat hadiah terakhir yang dibawakan nenek untuk ibu. selusin sendok-sendok cantik dan sebilah pisau kecil yang paling tajam di dapur ibu."
"tidak ada lagi nenek yang berkunjung ke Makassar dua tahun sekali dan membawakan kalian bertiga limpahan baju baru."

Selamat jalan, Nek. Semoga amal dan ibadahmu diterima di sisi-Nya.

Sabtu, 16 November 2013

dunia tanpa akhir pekan

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dibalik semua kesenangan yang ditawarkan akhir pekan, aku mengkhianati minggu dengan mendambakan senin.

untuk secepatnya bertemu denganmu, tentunya.

dibalik semua kesenangan yang ditawarkan akihr pekan, aku membayangkan dunia tanpa kata 'libur'.
agar tak pernah meluputkan lirikmu, tentunya.

dibalik semua kesenangan yang ditawarkan akhir pekan, diam-diam aku membencinya.
karna tak dapat bertemu denganmu, tentunya.

dibalik semua kebencian akan akhir pekan, kuharap ia akan hadir kembali.
ketika kita telah bersatu dan mulai membutuhkannya, tentunya.

Selasa, 10 September 2013

what cause a breathtaking-speechless-awkward meeting?

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an overwhelming joy to see you