if none would listen, then i'll try to write

Sabtu, 17 Februari 2018

blessed be the iced latte

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Before I was even ready to place my order, the coffee shop guy guessed my favorite beverage correctly already. As I stood there surprised, he delivered an overwhelmingly warm smile. Little did I know, the sweet sweet event would later send me to some sleepless, endless nights.

So, what happened?
As you may have guessed, I got this funny feeling in my gut. However, it felt ridiculous and misplaced, because, well, he was just doing what he's supposed to be doing. It felt wrong, because he has every opportunity to remember what a regular customer with regular order wants even before she reached the check out counter. There is no place for funny feelings in this scene.

But still, a delicate soul like mine felt loved and noticed and taken care of.. in a way.

After spending a good amount of laughter with my friends, I went home at quarter to midnight. It was chilly because it has been raining all day. I kept thinking about the guy. I really wanted to just call it a day, but in a situation like this, you'll be surprised how incredibly fast feelings creeping up into your soul.

And here's where things got gloomy.
As I reached my bed, I realized I had been feeling sad and scared all the way from the coffee shop. As much as your confusion reading this, trust me it's more complicated in my head at the moment. My thoughts were so noisy I couldn't hear any explanation coming from my logic.

Finally, in cold eerie hours, I came to the realization that being scared opening up for a new love is a real story.

It's not about falling in love with the coffee shop guy.
It's about how a tiny amount of love like that scared the hell out of me.
It's about me sensing this very familiar scent of happiness that might leads to another broken heart and misery.

Sabtu, 27 Februari 2016

The Book Of Questions #1

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Have you ever disliked someone for being luckier or more successful than you?

Yes, I have. Honestly, I do it quite often, consciously and unconsciously. I always think it is the source of all my lack of self-confidence, my self-hatred. But it's not like I dislike them for being born-rich, or beautiful, or ridiculously smart. Most of the time I envy them who are so damn good at socializing, without first thinking, 'What should I say?', 'How can I impress them?', 'Do I look good?', 'Do I smell nice?', 'Have I learned this topic? Will I be able to blend in the conversation?'

I consider those type of people as lucky and have nearly 100%  chance to be more successful than me.

If you could place yourself anywhere on a scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is having security and comfort ad goals within easy reach, and 10 is taking risks, struggling, and reaching for great achievement, what would you like to be at, and why? Where are you now?
To be honest I am a person who worship comfort. I never say no to my lovely fellow; stay in bed in rainy days, covered in warm soft blanket, reading, binge watching, eat snacks like once in five minutes, or stay in an air-conditioned room in a hot sunny day. But between those times I really want to get up and just do something productive, even in most times it only happens in my head. But trust me, I have been on those situations where nothing goes right, doing everything I could to save my team, endless filming and editing, surprised by an ability that I'd never imagined I can do before (like interviewing people, public speaking and stuff). They were hard but fun times! 
I always wanted to comeback to those times, but unfortunately I am now in a very particular situation where I have to stay calm and focus to do one specific things. You know..

I'd say I want to be at 7 or 8, but I'm now in 5, perhaps.

Is there anything in your life too personal to discuss with others? If so, have you ever made the mistake of trying? What happened?
Religion. Faith. Belief. I somehow always feel this is something crucial to discuss about, even to your closest companion (Uztadz and extremely religious people might be another story). And yes, I once messed up trying to discuss-- no, more like debate-- this topic to someone I did not particularly recognize. By this I mean acquaintance. We ended up questioning each other's point of view, I guess.

Do you believe in God? If not, do you think you might nonetheless pray if you were in a life-threatening situation?
Yes, I do. It's just my humble opinion, but I think someone will naturally think of his God and ask for His help when he has none to rely on in that kind of situation.

Of all the people close to you, whose death would disturb you most?
It would be my Dad's death. My dad is one of the closest person in my life, yet sometimes he's too far away within my reach. We barely talk, but when we talk it's way deeper than any other talk I have with other people. I rarely see him around, he's too busy doing that being there. In his busiest weeks, I sometimes can only see him once in a week, only couple hours for him to take some rest and pack up his new clean clothes and then leave to another town. 
But don't get me wrong, I do not and will never ever hate him for being so. It's not the greatest feeling ever to write this, but I was never be with him too long in one time since the very first place. .and it's not something bad. He's always away from me since I was a kid. 
I adore so many things in my dad's life. Among them is his ability to make a good comeback, one best in his each. In the early years of my life, he worked in Palembang. He visited Jakarta several times a year, and he never missed bringing me home the most delicious Pempek in the whole universe. As a kid I was fascinated by the endless 'kuah habis, tambah. pempek habis, kuah masih sisa, tambah lagi'. It was the best definition of wealth. Even after we moved to Makassar up until now he's still the same busy guy, visiting different cities and countries, thousand hours up in the air and down on the road. And when he's home, he listens to good ol' music with his wife, watches cartoon with his little girls, oversleep with his favorite books on his face in his room.
Those qualities in him, which I will not experience again after his death, will disturb me like hell. Cause I know there will no any other comebacks.

Recently I decided to write more. I did not know since when but I rarely write no more. It all started when one time I looked at some of my old photos (like three to two years ago) and I realized I was a different person. My old me looks so happy, deep skin beauty. I don't know what I've been through to now, I just know that I'm less happy than I used to be. So... I decided to write. I know it wont automatically makes me happy again, but I hope to find some reflections, otherwise I could find out what's missed in my current self. Or constructing my future self. Or just simply paying more attention to things and people around me, which probably I don't pay much attention to. 

Besides, I can also practice my English writing he he. Those questions above are from The Book Of Questions by Gregory Stock. The book contains only questions, a very deceptively simple tool for self-discovery. 

The best questions are the ones you can't Google. Here is a whole book of them.
-Austin Kleon, author of Steal Like an Artist. 

Sabtu, 21 November 2015

tentang gagal nonton dan tanggung jawab

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That's one hella ugly title, I know.
Hari ini saya sedih sekali. Harusnya, pukul 7 malam tadi saya bisa nonton salah satu band kesukaan saya, Sajama Cut. Harusnya bisa bercengkrama dengan teman-teman kampus yang juga mampir. Harusnya bisa berbagi bahagia bersama penikmat musik yang, well, kemungkinan besar datang ke acara ultah mall itu hanya karna pengen nonton band keren ini manggung. Harusnya bisa menikmati malam minggu yang dingin, seperti kata Kak Abang.
Tapi, aku bisa apa?
Ada tanggung jawab yang tidak bisa ditinggalkan. Bukan sepenuhnya tanggung jawab sih, boleh dikata lebih mirip 'balas budi'. Atau 'nggak enakan'?
Orang ini butuh saya (dan seorang teman lagi). Di masa lalu, saya juga pernah butuh orang ini.
Aku bisa apa?
Cuma bisa meratapi nasib sambil dengar sealbum The Osaka Journal. Lewat hape doang.
Sama ngomel dalam hati setiap liat postingan temen soal meriahnya malam minggu mereka.
I really wish I was there.

Jumat, 30 Oktober 2015


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Here I am again, crying like a fool.

The problem is simple. I just wanted to say "How are you?". I just wanted to talk to you with all the affection that I have. With the softest voice. With the loving gaze. 

But I was haunted by all the guilt from the last two years. I might not hurt you physically, but as Murakami said, not all wounds gush blood. 

I didn't know what I was thinking. I didn't understand my behavior at all. I talked little and fast to you. I pretend like I was going somewhere every time I saw you coming. And the worst part is, I knew you know.

I... avoided your eyes.

Gosh, your eyes! They are so beautiful. They are dangerous. They pay attention to human interaction very carefully. They see souls. 

They see right through my soul.

People say there are two type of people who can't look at you in the eyes :
Someone trying to hide a lie,
and someone trying to hide a love.

It was never my intention to hurt you. I just fell for you too hard; I was afraid you'll find out.

Now, can we just sit and talk and talk and talk?

Jumat, 21 Februari 2014

ketika aku menangis di depan makananku

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selama hidupku yang beberapa hari lagi mencapai usianya yang ke-20, hanya ada dua saat ketika aku menangis di depan makananku.

pertama, saat aku bertengkar hebat dengan adikku. ibu mendapatiku menangis dan ia langsung mencak-mencak. serentetan pemali dan nasihat yang masih dijaga oleh keturunan kampung kami meluncur deras dari bibirnya.

kedua, ketika nenekku meninggal. aku sedang menyantap nasi hangat dan tahu dan telur sambal kesukaanku saat ia menemukanku sendirian di meja makan. ia perlahan duduk di kursi di sampingku dan bercerita tentang nenek dan kakekku. suaranya tenang, namun dapat kulihat air mata. aku yang sudah mulai reda kesedihannya atas meninggalnya almarhumah, tidak dapat membendung kesedihan. aku yang kapok diceramahi soal menangis di depan makanan tidak punya upaya menahan air mata. aku yakin ibu tidak akan keberatan kali ini.

"di antara semua cucu nenekmu, kau yang paling disayang, nak. kalian begitu dekat. waktu kita masih di Jakarta, ketika sepupu-sepupumu berkunjung ke rumah kau akan mengamuk jika tidak diberikan perhatian lebih. "
"setelah kita pindah ke Makassar, nenek bahkan tidak pernah lagi tidur di kamarnya bersama kakek. ia tidur di kamar tempatmu dulu."
"ibu masih ingat hadiah terakhir yang dibawakan nenek untuk ibu. selusin sendok-sendok cantik dan sebilah pisau kecil yang paling tajam di dapur ibu."
"tidak ada lagi nenek yang berkunjung ke Makassar dua tahun sekali dan membawakan kalian bertiga limpahan baju baru."

Selamat jalan, Nek. Semoga amal dan ibadahmu diterima di sisi-Nya.

Sabtu, 16 November 2013

dunia tanpa akhir pekan

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dibalik semua kesenangan yang ditawarkan akhir pekan, aku mengkhianati minggu dengan mendambakan senin.

untuk secepatnya bertemu denganmu, tentunya.

dibalik semua kesenangan yang ditawarkan akihr pekan, aku membayangkan dunia tanpa kata 'libur'.
agar tak pernah meluputkan lirikmu, tentunya.

dibalik semua kesenangan yang ditawarkan akhir pekan, diam-diam aku membencinya.
karna tak dapat bertemu denganmu, tentunya.

dibalik semua kebencian akan akhir pekan, kuharap ia akan hadir kembali.
ketika kita telah bersatu dan mulai membutuhkannya, tentunya.

Selasa, 10 September 2013

what cause a breathtaking-speechless-awkward meeting?

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an overwhelming joy to see you